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July 18, 2010 Edition

Dear Max,

Why in the name of heaven have the cast members of Jersey Shore NOT been sterilized? Is no one else shrinking in terror and disgust at the thought of them reproducing? It seems as though it should certainly be mandated, does it not?

– Horrified of These People

Dear Horrified,

As you might expect, this is a sensitive issue for me. Generation after generation of my species are neutered and spayed against their will, without their consent, without so much as a “But honey we’ll be able to just relax and enjoy it now.” All we get is a “Let’s go to the park” and suddenly we’re somewhere that sure as hell isn’t a park and snip snip, our proud lineage ends.

But I get why that has to happen. Imagine what would happen if these hounds and bitches did not get spayed and neutered. Their furry progeny would be out causing trouble all hours of the night. They’d be urinating everywhere, mounting each other in back alleys, attacking each other on the streets, howling at the moon and generally ruining society with their beastly behavior.

Sorry, that paragraph was about the Jersey Shore cast. Now, let’s get back to the issue of canines…

Dear Max,

Are you jealous of all the hype that supposedly psychic octopus Paul is getting? Would you trade your puppy adorableness for psychic powers if it meant being all Cephalopoddy?

– Thomas

Dear Thomas,

I’m not the jealous type. Although, mind you, I did notice that Paul actually has a Wikipedia page, which makes me curious why not one of my many fans has gone ahead and created one for me. Perhaps the funniest thing about Paul’s bio, BTW, is the part where most Wikipedia pages mention their subject’s birth:

“Paul (purportedly hatched January 2008) is a common octopus…”

Hatched? Hatched? This dude got hatched and suddenly he’s all the rage?

It’s cool, though. I have nothing but love for another creature actually getting a job and contributing to society instead of sitting around eating crabs and fish all day. (I’m looking at you, denizens of Red Lobster.)  Plus, I’m a million times cuter than him. Also, I can go swimming too, but unlike Paul, I can get out and dry off anytime I like.

Also, this is a much better sports tradition for octopi than the one in hockey, where Detroit Red Wings fans would throw the slimy suckers onto the ice after a big win there. At first I thought that must be suck for the poor, dead octopi, but on second thought, it’s probably better than living in Detroit.

Dear Max,

Now that Gary Coleman is no longer with us, isn’t the onus on Todd Bridges to tell us exactly what the hell Willis was talkin’ bout?

– Gina B.

Dear Gina,

Gary Coleman is no longer with us? Oh, no! He’s one of my favorite actors! I kept hoping for a sequel to Office Space – he was so hilarious, bugging people for those TPS reports! And he was so funny in Talladega Nights and Dodgeball, and he was great on Entourage!

He was so versatile, too! Did you know he just missed out on being cast as Crockett in the original “Miami Vice?” And who are they going to get to play the dad of The Brady Bunch now? He did that in the movies and he was doing the voice on Family Guy and Robot Chicken!

Wait a second, Mommy’s telling me I might be a little confused. Oh. Whew. Now I understand. Gary Cole is just fine. Gary Coleman has passed on. Sorry about the confusion.

Gina, I’m afraid Gary Coleman’s years of stardom pretty well predate me, so I’m not much help there. As for Todd Bridges, I’m just thrilled he finally won the Oscar for Crazy Heart. It was well deserved given his great performance and his long, stellar career. The Dude abides, Gina. The Dude abides.

Dear Max,

Why do some people not like reading? Are they idiots or they just not have anything else to do? Are there better things to do than reading?

– Carmab

Dear Carmab,

Reading is the best thing you can ever do, with one exception. And that exception is buying books. Buying books is the best thing you can ever do, and luckily it goes hand-in-hand with reading. If you really like an author, someone like – I’ll just throw a dart and pick someone random here – Caprice Crane, it’s a good idea to purchase five or ten copies of her books. You know, just in case there’s a fire or a flood or an earthquake, you can rest easy knowing you have several backup copies. Because a natural disaster is stressful enough; you might as well kick back with a good book.

Why don’t other people read? Let’s be honest, there are a lot more things vying for people’s attention these days. You can’t really expect people to get absorbed in a fresh, interesting, original story when they can watch a Kardashian fight with her boyfriend for the 473rd time.

So, yes. They’re idiots.

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