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December 14th, 2009 Edition

QQ Dear Max,

My boyfriend has the worst taste in music. It’s embarrassing! How do I get this point across or at least get 50% control over what we listen to when we’re together?

- Maybe Music Snob

Dear Maybe Music Snob,

Some examples would have been helpful, but given that you said “worst,” I’ll just have to assume you mean he rocks out to some mixture of:

The sound of Girl Scouts being skinned alive / Nickelback / a million fingernails raking across a million chalkboards / Kathie Lee Gifford / incessant farting / Air Supply / Rachael Ray / cats meowing / Kenny G.

Which means you have your work cut out for you. Here’s my answer, in all sincerity (why not, ‘tis the season): He doesn’t expect you to like all the things he does, any more than you expect him to like all the things you do. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to be honest with each other about what you like and what you don’t.

So tell him, in a friendly way. Don’t say his music is awful (though I’m sure it is). Just tell him it’s not your thing. Own up to a few of your favorites that you know he won’t like, to even the playing field. You might find there are a few areas where your interests overlap. If so, boom, there’s your together-time soundtrack.

And if that doesn’t work, do what I do when I hang with my bitch: Put in your noise-canceling earbuds and crank up your iPod. Bow wow wow, yippie yo, yippie yay.

QQ Hey Max,

My dogs wonder what is going on while I am reading Family Affair. Since they do not understand or read English too well, I was hoping that you might do an audiobook in Woof so that they could also enjoy the story. Any chance Caprice might do an audiobook? Thanks for being there.

Dear Jay:

Your dogs “do not understand or read English too well?” How about Spanish? Hopefully they’ll be able to understand the Taco Bell Employee Manual, because “yo quiero” is about all they’ll be qualified for if you keep letting them fall behind in their language studies like that.

Come on, Jay!  Dogs in India are learning six different languages by the time they’re two years old. (Granted, that’s like 14 to you humans.) Dogs in Japan spend twice as much time designing microprocessors as they do barking at the squirrel in the driveway. And dogs in Korea are…well, dogs in North Korea are getting eaten. Let’s just not discuss North Korea.

Anyway… I would love for Mommy to do an audiobook, because reading glasses tend to slide off my snout and I can only listen to Ayn Rand and Danielle Steel so many times (don’t hate me for my guilty pleasures). But here’s what she tells me: You have to be asked to do an audiobook, and Jay, sadly, you’re the first person who’s ever asked.

So, hold your water. I’m sure that eventually, you and your canine companions will be able to enjoy my Mommy’s brilliant work recited to you everywhere you go.

Well, everywhere but North Korea. The only dog to make it out of there alive recently is Bill Clinton, and he’s got mad game.

QQ Dear Max,

Who should say “I love you” first?

- In love but scared to say it

Dear Scared:

I know how you feel. Every moment you’re apart, you feel that yearning. You know you’re perfect for each other, that you’re fated to be together. All you want to do is to show how you feel, that you’ll say anything, do anything, be anything to capture your one true love’s heart. And then she eats a lipstick she finds in the purse, pukes it up, and then eats the puke. And you think that’s just adorable.

What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry. I guess we weren’t talking about Tinkerbell Hilton. Sorry, my bad.

So you want to say those big three words, huh? Funny how those words get people so crazy. The only thing I can compare it to is the three words my mommy says to me that get me in a frenzy: “Are you hungry?” (The answer is YES!)

Here’s the thing, if you’re scared to say it, there’s probably a reason.  If you’re really in love, you probably already know whether he/she feels the same way.  That said, tossing out the ol’ “I love you” is the best litmus test of all. But is that something you really want to find out now, before the holidays? You might consider seeing how things go — this time of year is a pretty good relationship litmus test itself — before dropping the “L” bomb.

But what do I know? Feed me, rub my belly, feed me, let me sleep on the bed, feed me and show me between 1 to 7 hours of attention every time you come home, and you won’t ever doubt that I love you.

QQ Dear Max,

They say all babies are beautiful but really… all babies are not beautiful. What do you say to parents when they introduce you to their ugly baby?


Baby Horror

Dear Baby Horror:

Interesting question. This situation hasn’t come up often, as many parents seem loath to get their newborns too close to a Shih-Tzu with a Shihtzy attitude.

Of course, word might have gotten out about the last aggressive, tail-grabbing baby who crossed my path. Suffice it to say, when his parents play “This Little Piggy” with him these days, they run out of piggies to count at “roast beef.”

You do have a point about ugly babies, though. And notice there’s no such thing as an ugly puppy — plus, we’re born in litters, so you’d expect at least one Carrot Top in every bunch. Nope, we’re all adorable, and some (such as yours truly), just get better over time. Much like Benji before he started hitting the sauce — but that’s a story for another time.

Regardless, you can’t very well tell parents their new baby is ugly. You have to B.S. harder and faster than Tiger Woods on Valentine’s Day. I don’t care if that kid is the unfortunate progeny of the Elephant Man and Susan Boyle. Act like that baby’s going to grow up to be the next Halle Berry/Johnny Depp/Tinkerbell Hilton.

(What? So I have a thing for Chihuahuas. Sue me.)

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