Ask Max Archives

February 2011

January 2011

December 2010

November 2010

October 2010

September 2010

August 2010

July 2010

June 2010

April 2010

February 2010

January 2010

December 2009

September 2009

August 2009

October 2006

September 2006

August 2006

July 2006

June 2006

May 2006

April 2006

March 2006

February 2006

January 2006

December 2005

November 2005

October 2005

September 2005

August 2005

July 2005

June 2005

May 2005


(back to ask max)

Archive for December, 2005

December 28, 2005 Edition

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

Dear Max:

I have a friend who is dating a complete nut job. I mean, like boil the bunny crazy. Although I don’t get it, others tell me she is beautiful. They mean, like Ginger Grant beautiful. Random suitors often approach her on Melrose and offer her the world for just one kiss. Whatever, as I said, she is bonkers and socially awkward and no fun to hang out with. Oddly, my friend is completely blinded and worships her every insane move. Now, do I intervene and show him a variety of tests and flow charts detailing the level of her insanity or do I just adapt my relationship with this friend to events where there are enough other people that I can avoid the crazy chick all night? Also, she has cats.

Friend of the D

Dear Friend,

Ginger Grant beautiful? That’s some crazy beautiful. I was thinking of giving this bitch the benefit of the doubt. Then came the cats. But men are notoriously bad judges of quality in women. What do you expect from a being that worships the teat and the rump to such an extent — the *fake* teat of all things! I’ve been over that since I was, like, 3 weeks old. I can tell you the flow charts won’t work on a blind man. Unless you do them in Braille. Then he’ll still reject the truth, but he’ll be credible when he says, “It’s not just her appearance!” The friend is important to you, and you’re right — all you can do is dilute her with other friends, and hope that when he awakes from his nap of good judgment, he’s not wearing her ring.

Dear Max:

Will my mom finally start the novel she has in her head so she can stay at home with me and not have to get a real job?

Princess Wendy Woo Tang

Dear Princess,

Well, you pose two questions: Will she start the novel she has in her head? I hope so. I don’t know what a novel in a head feels like but it sounds painful. I had ear mites in my head once and if it is anything like that it’s not only painful but also itches. As far as her staying home with you so she doesn’t have to get a real job…I asked my mom. Apparently, there is not a lot of money in fiction (so even if she does write it – she may still need to have another job). Writers write because they want to…or need to…or have itchy ears.

December 15, 2005 Edition

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

Dear Max:

I have had many friends tell me that food poisoning takes 24 hours to kick in. But on more than one occasion, especially after eating hot and sour soup and other Chinese foods, I’ll suddenly get a “rumble in my jumble” and be scrambling for the nearest bathroom. Is this not food poisoning??

Poodles and Shih-tzus

Dear P&S,

Nice choice of words on the “kicking in.” I’ve been there. I ate a bag of Runts candy recently and this shit-tsu had the … well, let’s just say that somebody needs to take the wrapper off for me next time before I dig in (see? no opposable thumbs, just this odd little flap up the backside of my leg). After receiving your question, I went on shih-tsoogle.com and found the trouble can begin well before a day has passed. Yep. It’s food poisoning. Your stomach is faster than your brain at sensing something’s up — or about to be. And since 97% of it is caused by improper food handling, follow the bathroom-wall advice: WASH HANDS before returning to work!

Dear Max:

I am starting a business with a friend of mine and I was wondering if you could tell me if we’ll be successful or not. We are trying to save the world from all kinds of disease areas, although we don’t have a cure for the common flea itch as of yet.

Aaron Rothschild

Dear Aaron,

That’s a hell of a business idea, that saving the world from diseases thing. Look where it got Harold Schering and Eddie Plough, Gertrude Merck, and Swoozie Viagra. Is your friend honest, hard-working, good under pressure, and able to sell snow tires to the Saudis? You should be fine. Also, it would be a good idea to team up with someone with a last name like “Nexium” or “Claritin,” but maybe not “Vioxx.” I don’t think flea itch will ever be cured. It’s kept alive by a conspiracy of the flea-collar makers and the dog-nail-clipper people.

December 08, 2005 Edition

Thursday, December 8th, 2005

Dear Max:

I have a great idea for a new kind of tent for use while camping. Sort of a small, wedge shaped tent, without floors or windows. My only problem is that I can’t come up with a suitable name for the damn thing. Any ideas?

Tent Lott

Dear Tent Lott,

I know you’re expecting me to suggest you call it a “Pup Tent,” as that would be the easy answer. But here at Ask Max, we esCHEW the obvious…and about anything else we can get our teeth on. So, I’m going to suggest you call it what I call nearly everything: Roof!

Dear Max:

Dear Max, I have been in the music field all my life, I am now reaching toward 40..I haven’ t achieved my fame nor fortune doing it and still try very hard at it..I guess what I need to know is when do I give up trying and settle for a life that I really do not want to fit into to..(being normal) is there a cut off age for dreams? I mean the Rolling Stones are still doing it in their sixties..Am I crazy for still wishing on a star?

Future Rock Star, still got a future?

Dear F.R.S.S.G.A.F.,

Actually, the Rolling Stones achieved fame in their late teens, so don’t use them as your Mother’s Little Helper. Things are different today. But you’re asking a question that strikes at the very heart of human existence – a topic about which I know almost nothing. Is there an expiration date on dreams? To find out, check the inside of the top flap on your dream. It should be printed right there. Dreams of fame as a musician tend to have a very short shelf life, expiring sometime before most people develop the maturity to deal with a meteoric rise.

But let’s pretend you’ve already achieved musical immortality — you’ve already known the adulation of screaming legions, the coke-addled limo rides, the eye-popping hotel bills that your road manager handled without so much as a word (until word of the anemic sales figures for your second album reached the tour between St. Louis and Topeka), the eager physicalities with a hundred 20-somethings (or a 120 somethings?). Where would you be now? Flat busted, living in a rented room somewhere in Encino. I’d never advocate killing a dream, but sometimes it makes sense to let them pass away quietly. Why choke on “what could have been”? Keep enjoying your passion for music, but most important, feast on what you are. In “The Painter,” Neil Young says, “If you follow every dream, you might get lost.” Call me if that happens and I’ll Mapquest you. Obviously, you’ve touched a nerve with this question. I, too, had a dream of hip hop superstardom. But my career was cut short when I learned my “street” name had already been snatched up: ‘Lil Bow Wow. And here’s the kicker: he *bites*.

December 01, 2005 Edition

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

Dear Max:

During my recent visit to New York, with it’s brisk breezes, I experienced a sensation that has niggled me since. Why do man people have nipples?

San Diego Brabbeler

Dear Brabbeler,

On the assumption that everything is there for a reason, and Mother Nature isn’t simply messing with man persons, I have two possible theories: 1) so men can tell when it’s very cold out, without dropping their drawers, or 2) to simplify the sex change operation for transsexuals.

Dear Max:

Do you think Hollywood should continue trying to adapt stage shows into movies?

Former Triple Threat

Dear Former Triple,

My personal opinion on this will carry much less weight than economic history. Stage shows translated to the big screen have had a very mixed record at the box office. And although I’ve never seen a play or a movie at a theater, I’d think the reason is obvious: The actors get really tired running around to all of those movie theaters performing 6 shows a day.

Join my mailing list