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Archive for November, 2005

November 24, 2005 Edition

Thursday, November 24th, 2005

Dear Max:

Max, my mommy and I (a mini poodle pup) recently moved to a new home. I have never been a fan of slippery floor. (I HEART carpet!) Yet our new place is ALL slippery floor! I’m having issues. How do I deal?


Dear Leeloo,

Two words: Area rug.

Dear Max:

This is a most personal question, one of which most celebrities shy away from but I just have to know; do you have a little doggie girlfriend? I’m assuming you do after seeing that little wandering left eye of yours. I bet I can speak for all of us out here, that you are the “Doggies Howl!”


Dear Colleen,

First of all, thank you. It’s true, many celebrities don’t like to discuss their personal lives because when things go south, it’s painful to have it take place in the public eye. I’m okay with it. But I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a hedgehog that I like to play fetch with and that leaves little time for anything else. If you know girl that will throw my hedgehog for me…maybe I’ll consider it.

November 17, 2005 Edition

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

questionDear Max:

I have a problem. Culinary etiquette requires that I order white wine with fish, red with beef. White wine gives me a headache. Well, red wine does too eventually but it tastes all yummy and stuff. I, however like fish. So why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? What’s so God Damned evil about red wine and fish? I say if I can’t have a nice locally produced cabernet with my Denver Sole, the terrorists have won. What sayeth my little canine guru?

Uncle Dav

pawDear Uncle Dav,

Here’s Max’s first rule of wine and food pairing: Drink what you like, no matter what the so called “experts” say. Unless somebody else will be doing the drinking and chewing for you…you should go with what tastes good to you. You can quote me. That said, I’ll need to bring up Max’s second rule of wine and food pairing: You can have the wine. I’ll take the food.

questionDear Max:

I was at a pool party this past weekend and my friends were talking about Gilligan’s Island. They wanted to know why was the glamorous movie star Ginger Grant on that little boat, and why would the Howells be on a charter cruise. After all, they were so wealthy…wouldn’t they have their own yacht?

A Confused Castaway

pawDear Confused Castaway,

This is astounding. I NEVER thought of that. Nor has the following ever occurred to me: Why Ginger packed so many evening gowns for a three hour tour. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc…

November 11, 2005 Edition

Friday, November 11th, 2005

Dear Max:

Max, Your wit and wisdom are an inspiration to the masses. I just dont understand how you can lick yourself in public and still retain such a solid reputation. The repercussions seem more dramatic for me. How do you do it?

Muzzled and Free

Dear Muzzled and Free,

Let me break it down for you: I am a dog. I lick what I want when I want…I hump strangers’ legs…I pee in public…I snatch food right out of peoples hands…I am GOD spelled backwards for Christ’s sake! So for me, all’s fair in love and licking. For you…there’s an old saying, “When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach.” And hey, if you can reach it…more power to you.

Dear Max:

Where the hell is my coffee!!???

Java Seeker

Dear Java Seeker,

(Audibly) Coming right up, Sir. Thanks for your patience. (Under my doggie breath) Pipe down, Junior..or you’ll be wearing it!

November 4, 2005 Edition

Friday, November 4th, 2005

Dear Max:

Are there any better computer prophylactics than Norton or McAfee?, which develop such sophisticated programs that my computer is incapable of doing anything but run these darn apps. I can’t tell if the anti-virus software is effective because it directly defends against attacks or because it demands my computer’s undivided attention.

Immobilized by Inoculation

Dear Immobilized,

I know of what you speak. While I’m not a computer user, (I dictate) it seems I spend half my life waiting for various virus scans on everything from word files to recipes I’m downloading to the latest “Ask Max” questions. I am now convinced that the viruses themselves are the work of the anti-virus software companies. Think of it: the prophylactic makers are turning out TROJANS!

Dear Max:

Do you know if baked pumpkin seeds really are good for sexual organ function? I heard these seeds are like the new organic Viagra.

Mr. Hardy Stiffenburg

Dear Mr. Stiffenburg,

I don’t know about pumpkin seeds, but recently I got into a bag of pistachios and yes, it was better than sex. But… then I was passing pistachio shells for about a week. I can tell you that the root of the word salacious is “salt” and pumpkin seeds are often heavily salted. So maybe you should just get a salt-lick. And introduce that into your sex life. (Alongside any other licking.)

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