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Archive for July, 2005

July 10, 2005 Edition

Sunday, July 10th, 2005

Dear Max:

My husband and I frequently get together with his family on holidays. His mother asks, no *insists*, that I make my pimento bread EVERY time. That seems innocent enough, but the problem is, my pimento bread is HORRIBLE, inedible, toxic. I see most of it wadded up in napkins on plates or in the trash. I think she does it so everyone hates me. What should I do?

Cook in Consternation

Hi Cook,

I’ll eat your pimento bread. What’s a pimento? Note: I’m not trying to make everyone hate you. I’m just hungry.

Dear Max:

I’m currently being held hostage by Russian spies in an abandoned warehouse in Kuala Lampur. There is a bomb with an electronic timer counting down … 1:27, 1:26, 1:25… There is a blue wire and a light-blue wire. Two questions: aren’t the Russians our friends? Second, which wire should I cut??

Imperiled in Malaysia

Dear Imperiled,

Quick! Change the channel! That sounds scary. You should calm your nerves by turning off that TV and getting something to eat. Grab something for me, too!

July 3, 2005 Edition

Sunday, July 3rd, 2005

Dear Max:

I am a 26 year old filmmaker who just released his second feature film. When it comes to that I’m on the top of my game. However every single relationship that I’ve held while going after this dream has crashed and burned almost literally. Am I destined to be alone?

Mr. Director

Hi Mr. Director,

Clearly, women don’t enjoy being best supporting actress to your film career. I would suggest something that’s worked for many men in your position: Get a dog that looks like me and walk it frequently.

Dear Max:

I have a pitt bull, she is about two and half years old. I can’t get her to want to stay in my back yard. No matter what I do or how many toys I give her, she feels the need to break out! How can I fix this without resorting to a shock collar? That is not an option for me. Thanks!


Hi Sami,

This is beyond my expertise so I asked my mom. She says that your dog might have a containment phobia. Try leaving her outside for shorter periods of time and when she doesn’t run away, reward her with a treat. Instead of punishing her, reinforce how good she is when she stays. Dogs want to make their people happy. Try that. If it doesn’t work either get your dog a shrink or get a bigger fence.

Dear Max:

My mom recently gave me my first haircut for summer so I wouldnt be so hot. She said she couldn’t afford to take me to a groomer, so she did it herself. It looks awful. I know she had good intentions, but this is really the worst haircut I’ve ever seen. I know she’ll think I’m adorable no matter what my hair looks like, but how can I break it to her that I hate my new do?

All Chopped Up

Dear Chopped,

I’ve had some marginal trims in my day. Once my mom gave me a spur of the moment maintenance cut between groomings, and I ended up a dead ringer for the Unabomber. Seriously. Federal agents swarmed the house. Anyway, it happens. Just avoid mirrors and public appearances for a few months.

Dear Max:

I have a one year anniversary coming up with my boyfriend. Any unique suggestions?

Hopeless in Hartford

Dear Hopeless,

You didn’t tell me much about him so it’s hard to know what he likes. I have a sock monkey that I like a lot. But he probably already has one of those. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Why don’t you cook him his favorite meal? And if there are any leftovers, remember your friend Max.

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