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Archive for June, 2005

June 23, 2005 Edition

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005

Dear Max:

I am a 6 month old English Mastiff named Nigel. I like to sleep, mostly. My mom says I am gonna get fixed next week. I don’t feel broken. Any idea what she is talking about?


Hi Nige,

Have you ever heard one person say to another, “That really took some balls?” Think of being fixed this way: It really takes balls.

Dear Max:

Should I get my tongue pierced?

Tongue Tied

Hi Tongue Tied,

Personally, I’m against it. It just gets in the way of anything you do with your tongue. Namely, eating.

Dear Max:

I think my boyfriend is cheating. I saw text messages from another girl, but I shouldn’t have been looking at his phone. What should I do?

Texed Off!

Dear Tex,

Don’t say anything. Pee on him. Then that other girl will know he’s yours.

Dear Max:

I have a secret crush on my boss. But there’s that whole position of authority thing. What’s your position?


Hi Sub,

You might think I’m just gonna say my position is “doggie style…” but I’m not. Okay I am. My position is and always will be doggie style.

June 15, 2005 Edition

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

Dear Max:

I’m a guard dog at Gitmo, and Max, sir, we are under strict instructions not to pass urine in the area of holy books. My boys feel sorely misused by Amnesty International. I can tell you that Gulag dogs piss on their damn legs, and do not have the stuff to chew off more than some stick arm from a hungry damn poet. My boys want to invite you to join us in wearing a yellow collar that reads “Amnesty: Piss Off”.

Bird Colonel Jose Chihuahua

Hi Jose,

I already have a collar. But if by “Gitmo” you mean git mo’ food…I’ll wear whatever you want.

Dear Max:

This weekend, I broke out in an itchy rash all over my body. It was disgusting and very uncomfortable. I think it might be from my new cat. What do you think?

Ruing Her Rash

Hi Rue,

You may have stumbled on a major breakthrough in human pathology. Who knew that itchy rashes were a symptom of pathetic decision making? To wit: A new cat?????

Dear Max:

So I was wondering, I can no longer reach the next door neighbors dog (a.k.a. my ex)…that “bitch” has been walking around as if she owns the place, while letting other men pet MY puppies…what should I do?


Dear Biscotti,

I like your name. Is that Italian for biscuit? A biscotti is a hard crunchy biscuit, isn’t it? A tasty fellow, such as yourself, should have no trouble finding a new bitch. And this time, treat her right and keep her on a short leash.

Dear Max:

I’m a Highland Terrier in Manhattan (no, I don’t play the bagpipes, and I don’t wear a kilt, and if I did, to quote Craig Ferguson, the only thing I would wear under it on a good day would be lipstick). My owner tends to carry me around in the street. I understand that she’s got no one of her own species to hug at the moment, but I’m missing out on all the filth and stench of the Big Apple baking at 90 degrees. Will my feet every touch pavement again, or is this not a trend but some sort of new canine PC?

MacHound Cooper

Hi Coop,

First of all…a baked apple needs 325 degrees for about 15 minutes. After that a dollop of ice cream as big as my head and…I digress. Doesn’t your owner know that you are the perfect conversation starter for other sweaty lonelyhearts? I can hear them now: “What kind of dog is that? And while we’re on the subject, are you partial to doggie style?” Never fails.

June 9, 2005 Edition

Thursday, June 9th, 2005

Dear Max:

I am curious about how long it takes before “old Roll” is ready to apply? And do you prefer the dead rodents or birds or fish?

Nika Marie

Hi Nika Marie,

An old roll? How stale? If it can be chewed…I say go for it. Apply your mouth to it now. As to part 2 of your question…I’ve had my snout in a lot of bags of garbage. Rat bones taste too much like street and fish is too easy to detect on my breath. Bird bones are a choking hazard. Stick with meaty bits, fat strips, and anything with butter on it.

Dear Max:

I’m a nine year old Labrador/Rhodesian Ridgeback. Why do my masters have 85 different names for me? …can’t they remember? And don’t you think the term “good boy” is a little condescending? Who they callin boy?? arf.


Dear Johan,

Don’t get me started! I get called “Little Man,” “Big Man,” “Handsome Man,” “Baby Man,” “Monkey Man,” “Elvin King,” “Mad Max Beyond Funderdome…” I tried to solve this by getting a drivers license. Then it would be right there! My name is MAX. See? But I could never parallel park.

June 2, 2005 Edition

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Dear Max:

Why is everyone caught up in this emo/metrosexual/gay-but-not-gay fad? Is it a government conspiracy to turn everyone gay so they can be forced into labor camps and design the ultimate cheeseburger weighing in at a whopping 7Kilos? Your take on this is highly appreciated.


Hi Paluka,

Let me answer your question with a question… 7 kilos would be a pretty heavy hamburger. What do you think the odds are that somebody would drop it on the floor?

Dear Max:

I’m a red and white Persian, and I’ve just inked a deal to do The Cat In The Hat for Jeff Katzenberg. I was lunching at Spago with Jeff Berg, and I was just totally embarrassed when the tag on my collar slipped down around my neck and dangled right into my orechietto. How can I avoid these dining gaffes in the future?

Cali Cooper

Dear Cali,

Lunch with Jeff Berg, huh? So ICM must stand for International Cat Management. Who knew? The Dalai Lama said “approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.” To that, I’d add “eating.” So, my advice: If you’re out to impress Jeff Berg and a tag gets in your ochiwhatever, just eat it like nothing happened. You can puke it up in the bathroom later. It’s the L.A. way.

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