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September 9, 2009 Edition

Hey Max,

I was just wondering your thoughts on Ceasar Milan, aka “The Dog Whisperer.” Friend or Foe?

-Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,

The jury’s still out.  On one hand, if he can keep some of those more ornery breeds of dogs (you know who you are) from attempting to turn me into a tasty afternoon snack at the dog park, more power to him. And anyone who can get those tiny, relentless, eardrum piercing yappers (you know who you are, too) to shut their snouts should receive some sort of medal. (Side note: Hey, Chihuahuas, where’s the fire, huh? Oh, there is none? Then  F**ING RELAX!!) But I think I look at “The Dog Whisperer” the same way you humans watch that Criss Angel freak:  Slightly impressed, but knowing there’s some sort of angle, plus a sprinkle of post production “magic.”   So, to keep things fair, and as a chance to prove himself legit, I offer this simple challenge to Mr. Milan:

“Make Max less adorable.” Live. On Oprah.  “Favorite Things” episode.

Good luck, kind sir.  You’re gonna need it.

Dear Max,

My cat tends to meow loudly and repeatedly in the middle of the night. Sometimes it keeps me up. I mean, I don’t wanna smack him or anything, but it drives me crazy! What should I do?


Pussy Whipped.

Dear Whipped,

See how I didn’t write “Dear Pussy?” That’s because Max is refined and distinguished (Did you *see* the tux?) and tries to refrain from using vulgar language.  That being said, I’m not a huge fan of cats.  They’re snooty, sneaky, and usually lack the “unconditional love” that we have in our doggy DNA.  I tend to treat cats like fleas: ignore them as long as possible till they get annoying, and then bite when necessary. I commend you for owning a cat and not committing violence against it. You’re like a cross between a really patient robot and Mother Theresa. But regardless of my low opinion of felines, you shouldn’t have to go all Ike Turner on the thing to solve your problems.  Here’s what I suggest:

Is he injured? Check his little paws, feel around for sore spots, or take him to a vet. Cats, in the process of being total dicks, sometimes injure themselves.

Is he hungry? Cat’s are like hairy babies with razor sharp claws, and instead of intelligently going to the food bowl and waiting patiently like some of us (me), they whine incessantly until they get what they want.

Did you walk him? When you gotta go, you gotta go.  Maybe he had too much…wait, WHAT? Cats don’t go on walks and spend quality outdoor time with their parents? Aarrghh!! See what I mean?  Forget everything I said and, for a small fee, Max knows a discreet Dalmatian who would love to solve this problem for you. Cash only.  You know how to find me.

Dear Max,

Thanks to our wonderful economy I’m recently unemployed and dating sure sucks when you don’t have money!  Can you recommend some affordable fun dating scenarios where I can woo the ladies on a budget?

Thanks little guy!


Dear JF,

I feel you, buddy. I’ve never had a job, unless you consider “being irresistibly cute”, in which case Max works overtime!  I’ve also never had a problem with the ladies, so you came to the right pooch. For starters, be honest about your situation. The right woman will be understanding, so you won’t feel as much pressure to impress her.  That helps you to relax and have fun which, regardless of how much you spend, will almost always lead to a good date. Also, find out what she likes. If it’s “shopping,” maybe she’s not the right girl right now.  She loves “napping?” BINGO!

For some inexpensive fun while you’re awake, maybe take her to a park and have a picnic, find a free art show, or go to a flea market and marvel at the crap people try to sell.   Ask your date what she likes to do, too. Maybe she likes to watch old movies? Maybe she likes to cook hamburgers and leave a lot of meat for any nearby dogs? Maybe if that’s the case you should invite me over. The bottom line is this: There are plenty of things you can do that don’t cost much, and if you’re lucky you’ll get bonus points for creativity.  Ladies eat up thoughtfulness like Max eats up anything left on the floor. Have you ever heard the phrase “It’s the thought that counts?” It’s true. And until you have a job, it’s also your new mantra.

Dear Max,

I bought fake boobs last year and they look too ‘real’. Nobody suspects they are fake and I’m kind of upset about it. They are just as un-perky as everyone else’s!  Should I get a better boob job?


Real Fake Problems

Dear Real,

It’s always nice to get a letter from Los Angeles.  Do you mean “should I get a WORSE boob job”?  Last time I checked, new breasts were supposed to be discreet, not the lopsided, rock hard disasters I see on my daily walks around LA. Your doctor apparently did an excellent job, but maybe you should have specified “I’d like to look like an idiot with an insatiable need for attention,” when you went in.  Also, fake boobs tend to attract fake people, and/or people commonly referred to as “boobs.” Is this what you want? Allow Max to answer for you: No.

If the “better” boobs come with, say, an extra hand to pet me, a free cheese-dispensing trap door, or a robot throwing-arm that will play fetch for hours on end, I’d say chase that car barking all the way down the street. (Especially if you can donate the fake boobs you have now to some charity that inexplicably sends them to developing nations.)  Otherwise, getting your 2nd boob job might be an idea more worthy of me nipping your ankle than giving you kisses.

Now, I usually attack mailmen, not readers, but it just makes me upset that you’d take such a gamble. Haven’t you ever seen those cat-looking people, who can’t stop getting work done? Now they have to look like CATS for the rest of their lives, which just happens to be my personal recurring nightmare. All I am saying is give the new boobs a chance (that was the original John Lennon lyric, by the way) before you end up a walking bad dream. Hopefully you’ll find peace in them…much like Lennon found “peace” as a replacement for “boobs” in his anti-war anthem.

Dear Max,

My brother wants to know why all the really hot chicks are super young and immature. Who is he supposed to date that’s older but still bangable?


Only in his wet dreams


I wish your name made a cooler acronym.  You should work on that next time you write a letter.  Just sayin.’ Also: Bangable?!?! For the love of all that is meat or meat-flavored! How about a little class?

On to your question, it seems your brother’s problem is less one of “no bangable chicks” and more about perception. For example: Sometimes, I will “see” things that look delicious, only to find out later they’re the opposite of digestible. Likewise, your brother will “see” girls he finds hot, only to later want to punch them when they talk. This is probably based upon a steady diet of porn and other unrealistic images of women that are plastered everywhere. He just has to be open to the idea that “Super Hot” sometimes equals “Super Annoying”, and maybe look for something more fulfilling. Here’s a great idea.  If he really wants to meet women, (or, anyone that’s completely awesome and cool) come to my Mommy’s book signing in LA, at the Grove Barnes and Noble at 7PM, Thursday, October 1st, or in NYC at the Lincoln Triangle Barnes & Noble Saturday, October 10th at 7:30 pm.

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