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September 15, 2005 Edition

Hey Max:

This girl I was/am into…I was supposed to go on a trip to visit her next week. She was into me, etc. And then, two weeks before I was going to go, she told me not to come. I haven’t changed my ticket yet (I have until Monday) and I’m wondering if I should still go. So, Max…should I still go?

Frequently Confused Flyer

Dear Frequently Confused Flyer,

She told you not to come! Do you know that song “Mama Told Me Not To Come?” Well, that’s neither here nor there. All I know is, if my mom tells me not to do something and I do it (like eat that piece of sandwich on the street… or that chicken bone…or the nectarine pit that ended up getting lodged in my colon and cost my mom a lot of money and me a lot of dignity) then usually it’s a bad idea if I do it. Plus she gets mad. Of course, she forgives me quickly because I’m so cute, but cuteness only gets you so far. Just spare yourself the money and keep your dignity. Otherwise you’ll be out $300 bucks, the girl will be mad, and you could get really bad diarrhea like I did. Think nectarine pit. Make it your mantra.

Dear Max:

Is this song about YOU? “Max_Likes_to_Talk_About_France” Do you even speak French?


Dear Clayton,

French? Wee wee! All the time. I just have to remember to go outside or I get in trouble. Now what’s this about a song? I don’t know that one, but I do believe there are several songs that are written about me. Like: “Max the Knife,” “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer,” “Max My Bitch Up,” “The Lights Went Out In Maxachusetts,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmax,” “The Monster Max,” “Maxter of Puppets,” “Maxquerade…”

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