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October 21, 2005 Edition

questionDear Max:

My name is Tucker and I am a Welsh terrier. My owner frequently takes me out to pick up his sushi at different places in the city. It seems that many Japanese places we go have the same ceramic, fat, Garfield like cat prominently sitting on the counter near the cash register. Why do so many Japanese restaurants have the same ugly cat with a shit eating grin on their counter?


pawDear Tucker,

You’ve stumbled upon an ancient Japanese secret. The cat with the shit-eating grin represents what he would say if he *could* talk: “You just paid HOW MUCH for food they didn’t even COOK? Sucker!”

Friends (a message to skeptics):

I imagine that most of my readers ask me questions because they know how smart I am. When people ask for advice, all I can do is give it. What they do with the wisdom I provide is up to them. Recently, I received a letter from a reader, (Frequently Confused Flyer), who confessed that he didn’t follow my advice. As you can imagine…it was a big mistake. He offered to write a testimonal which I gladly accepted.

See below:

I asked Max for advice about a girl once. True story. Max advised me to not take a trip and what do you know? I took the trip. Now, the girl wont talk to me and I may have ruined my chances of true love. All because I didn’t listen to the pooch. Here’s a word of advice to all you skeptics: The pup knows!

questionDear Max:

This is Jessie the Squieles cat. What happens when pets die? One of my furrr-ends passed away and I’m sad and want to know will she be in heaven? Thank you. *licks*


pawDear Jessie,

I can see your whiskers moving but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. I don’t speak cat! Just kidding, Jesse. The truth is that for a long time it was conventional dog wisdom that DOGS went to Heaven and CATS went to Jersey…however in these more enlightened times, most educated canines concede that there’s a place in heaven for all of God’s four-legged creatures (you two-leggers are on your own), so it’s safe to believe that your dear friend is watching over you from atop a cloud of catnip. This is assuming that she never 1) stole dog food from an unsuspecting pooch, 2) swiped a good chew toy/squeaky toy or 3) vomited on a rug and let a dog take the blame.

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