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November 4, 2005 Edition

Dear Max:

Are there any better computer prophylactics than Norton or McAfee?, which develop such sophisticated programs that my computer is incapable of doing anything but run these darn apps. I can’t tell if the anti-virus software is effective because it directly defends against attacks or because it demands my computer’s undivided attention.

Immobilized by Inoculation

Dear Immobilized,

I know of what you speak. While I’m not a computer user, (I dictate) it seems I spend half my life waiting for various virus scans on everything from word files to recipes I’m downloading to the latest “Ask Max” questions. I am now convinced that the viruses themselves are the work of the anti-virus software companies. Think of it: the prophylactic makers are turning out TROJANS!

Dear Max:

Do you know if baked pumpkin seeds really are good for sexual organ function? I heard these seeds are like the new organic Viagra.

Mr. Hardy Stiffenburg

Dear Mr. Stiffenburg,

I don’t know about pumpkin seeds, but recently I got into a bag of pistachios and yes, it was better than sex. But… then I was passing pistachio shells for about a week. I can tell you that the root of the word salacious is “salt” and pumpkin seeds are often heavily salted. So maybe you should just get a salt-lick. And introduce that into your sex life. (Alongside any other licking.)

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