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December 28, 2005 Edition

Dear Max:

I have a friend who is dating a complete nut job. I mean, like boil the bunny crazy. Although I don’t get it, others tell me she is beautiful. They mean, like Ginger Grant beautiful. Random suitors often approach her on Melrose and offer her the world for just one kiss. Whatever, as I said, she is bonkers and socially awkward and no fun to hang out with. Oddly, my friend is completely blinded and worships her every insane move. Now, do I intervene and show him a variety of tests and flow charts detailing the level of her insanity or do I just adapt my relationship with this friend to events where there are enough other people that I can avoid the crazy chick all night? Also, she has cats.

Friend of the D

Dear Friend,

Ginger Grant beautiful? That’s some crazy beautiful. I was thinking of giving this bitch the benefit of the doubt. Then came the cats. But men are notoriously bad judges of quality in women. What do you expect from a being that worships the teat and the rump to such an extent — the *fake* teat of all things! I’ve been over that since I was, like, 3 weeks old. I can tell you the flow charts won’t work on a blind man. Unless you do them in Braille. Then he’ll still reject the truth, but he’ll be credible when he says, “It’s not just her appearance!” The friend is important to you, and you’re right — all you can do is dilute her with other friends, and hope that when he awakes from his nap of good judgment, he’s not wearing her ring.

Dear Max:

Will my mom finally start the novel she has in her head so she can stay at home with me and not have to get a real job?

Princess Wendy Woo Tang

Dear Princess,

Well, you pose two questions: Will she start the novel she has in her head? I hope so. I don’t know what a novel in a head feels like but it sounds painful. I had ear mites in my head once and if it is anything like that it’s not only painful but also itches. As far as her staying home with you so she doesn’t have to get a real job…I asked my mom. Apparently, there is not a lot of money in fiction (so even if she does write it – she may still need to have another job). Writers write because they want to…or need to…or have itchy ears.

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