Ask Max Archives

February 2011

January 2011

December 2010

November 2010

October 2010

September 2010

August 2010

July 2010

June 2010

April 2010

February 2010

January 2010

December 2009

September 2009

August 2009

October 2006

September 2006

August 2006

July 2006

June 2006

May 2006

April 2006

March 2006

February 2006

January 2006

December 2005

November 2005

October 2005

September 2005

August 2005

July 2005

June 2005

May 2005


January 12, 2006 Edition

Dear Max:

I want to take my family on a plane trip this summer, but my wife is terrified to fly (due to fear of heights). Any suggestions other than drug her to get her on the plane? :o)

Fargo Keith

Dear Fargo,

Here we go again. Another human terrified of the freedom to soar above the clouds enjoying sumptuous snacks and up to 4 cubic feet of space each, arriving in exotic locals like Sao Paulo or Houston in a fraction of the time that walking or riding a bike would require. Tell her to try flying cross-country in a plastic box *under the seat* sometime. I’m no psychologist, but I think a combination of an aisle seat, maybe a class on overcoming acrophobia or aviophobia, and some love and encouragement might be just the ticket. If that fails, tell her you’re surprising her with a new Lexus, and have her close her eyes and listen to her iPod while you lead her to the dealership, then secretly drive to the airport and stick her on the plane. If she worries about the jet engine noise, tell her you got her a V8 in the new ride. Honesty is great, but we’re talking about vacation here.

Dear Max:

Is it really a cardinal sin to wear white right now? I mean, will God be able to forgive me? I like white. Puffy wears white. What’s so G** Damned wrong with white? Also, is after Labor Day or Memorial Day? I always screw that up.

Fashion Victim

Dear Victim,

I don’t think God would reserve forgiveness for such a sin, but if you’re asking for favors of the divine, I’d save up for your idol worshippings, your bearing false witnesses, covetings, adulteries, things of that sort. Puffy does wear white after Labor Day. So does the Pope. But it seems to me that you need to be fairly well connected to carry that off. Me? I wear a little white year round, because people who care *too* much about the hard-and-fast fashion rule make me sad in my soul, and because, well, I look so damn good in it. Still, I can see the practical reason behind the white-out: by February, my coat looks like a mud wrap. And it doesn’t come off ‘til late spring – about Memorial Day, when it’s safe to be resplendent again.

Join my mailing list