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April 6, 2006 Edition

Dear Max,

I think I have a problem. I love Cat-Butts. I’m always following the cat, with my nose up his you-know-what. And afterwards (or when I get interrupted and told to stop) I make weird, twitching faces that I can’t control. My eyebrows bob, my tongue goes in and out, somethin about ‘em, I don’t know what it is. Why do I do this?

Willy (member of Cat Butts Anonymous since 05)

Dear Willy,

Ahhhhhh…. forbidden love. We’ve dealt with that since the beginning of time, haven’t we? Jets dating Sharks, Cowboys lassoing Cowboys, people from Jersey trying to find love in Manhattan. You my friend, love what you can’t have. You love the challenge of inter-species nooky as much as the actual nooky. But, once you have your way with that cute feline ass, where do you go? You’ll be trying to hook up with rabbits. Then maybe a llama. It won’t end till you bang a kangaroo. It’s a dangerous path you are sniffing down my friend. Let’s stay with the basics though:

1) Does the Cat return your sniff? If not then move on.

2) It’s a Cat! Get a hold of yourself, man!

Dear Max:

My tail keeps tormenting me. Is there any way I can get it to stop? Ive tried chasing it, but it never shuts up! What should I do?


Bently Bentley Bentley,

Yours is a tale as old as time. Chasing tail has preoccupied the male since the female first grew one. But as an inveterate tail-chaser, I can tell you it’s a complete waste of time. I spin circles on the floor, round and round trying to reach my objective and get hold of some tail, exhausting myself, spending my entire emotional paycheck, and for what? Once I finally latch on to some tail, I quickly lose interest and move on to something else. So I’d advise that you find another hobby. I’ve always been drawn to collecting (any food that falls on the floor).

Dear Max:

Me and Mommy travel a lot. Do you know of any cool places to vacation that are very dog friendly (in Florida or anywhere else too!) Love your column! Keep up the good work! Ruff!!


Dear Prince,

You’re going mobile? I share your lust for the open road. As long as I don’t have to wait in the parking lot when we get there. (Speaking of which, if someone can tell me how to work a car horn, I’d be much obliged.) I did a little research and found some dog-friendly websites. Click here for Pet Friendly Places In Florida Tip: avoid bone fishing in the Keys. It’s not what you’re thinking. I do know some places I’ve liked around the country, but I’m terrible with names and directions, because I don’t drive. Not well, anyway (I can’t see over the steering wheel, unless I put my front paws up on it — in which case I can’t reach the pedals). I hope you’re not talking air travel, which I find is a fiasco every time. I always end up *under* the seat, when I *clearly* requested an exit row aisle.

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