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July 13, 2006 Edition

Dear Max,

Recently my momma has been whining incessantly about her ex. EVERY time we go out for a walk she instructs me on how I am to attack him when we meet again. I think I would just rather chew my soccer ball, to be honest. My question is, do I tell my mom it’s unhealthy to plot such things, or do I just go ahead and eat this guy?

Gatti the Rottie

Dear Doggie Gatti,

Although your name is spelled differently than the famous gangster’s, your mom seems to be guiding you down a similar path. (Hint: he’s dead (died in jail, no less), and his daughter’s and grandkids’ TV show got whacked.) Clearly, this guy’s a LOSER. He couldn’t recognize the glory that is your momma, so now she wants to exact revenge on him? Try pity. I have a new attitude about people who don’t like me: they have bad taste, so I can’t respect them.

As for you, aggression gets you nowhere but K9 boot camp or the pound. Before giving in to fantasies of vicarious viciousness, your mom ought to get in touch with her inner attack dog and ask… why? They say the best revenge is living well (actually, the best revenge is probably watching the guy publicly humiliate himself, but living well is a close second)… so if your Mom wants the guy to walk away miserable and full of regret, she should lead you past him heads held high, livin’ large, getting’ along just fine without his sad, unperceptive self. Hopefully your momma knows that when one door closes, another one opens – and odds are, there’s a *new* guy standing there, waiting to be an unresponsive dolt. But right after that, a *third* door opens, and there’s Mr. tall, bark and handsome. I’ve told readers before: St Thomas Acquinas said resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. And Max says resentment is like peeing down your own leg and hoping the other person gets wet. Your momma could use a laugh, so my final recommendation will come as a HUGE shock to regular Ask Maxians: she should forget her troubles, c’mon get happy … by reading my Mom’s new book, Stupid and Contagious, available now through amazon.com (click here), bn.com, and fine booksellers everywhere.

Dear Max:

Brown Mustard or Yellow Mustard…?


Dear Dale:

I myself have never eaten mustard but, like my mom, I have opinions on foods I haven’t eaten, movies I haven’t seen, books I haven’t read…and I’m usually right. I would say your choice between brown and yellow seriously depends on what you are putting the mustard on. My mom puts the spicy brown kind on her popcorn at the movies. It’s messy and weird but she seems to like it. (The popcorn/m&m combo is also recommended.) If you were having a ham sandwich—I’d suggest you opt for brown (and give me a taste of that ham). A hot dog? Yellow all the way (I’m also open to sharing the hot dog with you).

It would seem to be partly a taste thing but also just common sense: your “blue collar” foods seem to go better with yellow (If you’re turned off by the French thing in French’s… I know, I hate the French too. But it’s actually made in New Jersey by R.T. French so it’s okay.) and anything fancy might be better paired with brown. I’m just going by the commercial…you know the one where the stuffy guy in the fancy limo rolls up next to the other limo? Well, he asks for Grey Poupon. (By the by, whenever I poupon something, nobody wants to put it on a sandwich but that’s another story.)

I’d suggest I have a taste test and give you the results but I can’t. Mustard seeds are very dangerous for doggies. I’m not allowed to have mustard. (Or chocolate, onions, macadamia nuts, raisins or grapes. Much as I’d like to. Man would I like to.) And for my devoted readers who seek answers, I wish I could mustard up the courage to do the taste test for you…but then I might be dead. And you’d have no column next week.

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