September 20, 2006 Edition

  Hi Max,

Hey, Max! My human would like to know the process you used to get your book published. Did you need an agent, or what? She has hundreds of things her patients have said to her, and people always say it would make a good book! Don't know if she'll pull it together, but perhaps with a little directions, I could kick her the rest of the way! Thanks. We're enjoying your column tremendously; so nice to see something well written, both with spelling and grammar, on the net (not to mention, witty as well)!

Jackson

  Dear Jackson,

Thank you very much for the compliments, and especially for noticing the self-regulation evident in the spelling and grammar. 

Now, if you’re related to some Jacksons I’ve read about and you’re seeking notoriety, you should be fine. Unless you’re not Janet. Then it’s a little less certain that you’ll ever surface again. Which is fine: fame is overrated. I can barely go outside anymore. So I go inside.

But to your point: book sales don’t always depend on having an agent. The Bible is the best-selling book of all time, and none of those people had an agent. Though maybe they should have: did you ever check inside the nightstand of a hotel room? It would be like having a cut of every copy of the phone book. And talk about efficient distribution! Those guys should be put in charge of clean-towel supply. By “my book,” I assume you’re referring to my Mom’s book (Stupid and Contagious, available now through amazon.com (click here), bn.com, and fine booksellers everywhere), because my book is still germinating, as we writers who aren’t presently writing like to say. But something in your question gives me paws – namely, the suggestion that your owner/operator’s book will reveal “hundreds of things her patients have said to her.” If she’s a vet, *that’s* a winning book concept, and you won’t have to work hard to find an agent to push it. But if she’s a doctor, wouldn’t that violate doctor-patient confidentiality? I mean, I get as big a kick as the next guy out of zany remarks uttered by those under sedation, but I’ve been on the other side of that needle, and I’d hate to have my secrets revealed. (Apparently, while recovering from a minor surgery, I once told my vet‘s assistant I wanted her to reverse the procedure so I could make her my bitch, a story I consider apocryphal and opportunistic.) If she’s driven to write it – and that’s the key, get it written, even a few chapters – and if it doesn’t involve defamation lawsuits, then by all means, pitch it to agents and publishers.

continued next column...

  Dear Max:

Hello, it's your friend Nicole on MySpace. Anyway, my momma feeds me bread. Is it ok? Will i die?

Nicole

  Dear Nicole:

Jesus told Satan, man shall not live by bread alone. And today, that holds just as true for Max. I need variety. No, some bread won’t kill you. Crackers are a perfectly acceptable accoutrement to an otherwise balanced diet of stuff you find on the floor, in the garbage, or in the hands of people careless enough to hold food in their hands. And hot cross buns look good on more than just an angry counter girl at the local Dairy Queen (which also has food on the floor, to bring the reference full circle).