Dear Max:

My husband and I frequently get together with his family on holidays. His mother asks, no *insists*, that I make my pimento bread EVERY time. That seems innocent enough, but the problem is, my pimento bread is HORRIBLE, inedible, toxic. I see most of it wadded up in napkins on plates or in the trash. I think she does it so everyone hates me. What should I do?

Cook in Consternation

  Hi Cook,

I'll eat your pimento bread. What's a pimento? Note: I'm not trying to make everyone hate you. I'm just hungry.

  Dear Max:

I'm currently being held hostage by Russian spies in an abandoned warehouse in Kuala Lampur. There is a bomb with an electronic timer counting down ... 1:27, 1:26, 1:25... There is a blue wire and a light-blue wire. Two questions: aren't the Russians our friends? Second, which wire should I cut??

Imperiled in Malaysia

Dear Imperiled,

Quick! Change the channel! That sounds scary. You should calm your nerves by turning off that TV and getting something to eat. Grab something for me, too!