February 9, 2006 Edition

  Dear Max:

My name is Molly and I am a Maltese. We have actually met before, your mom is my Aunt, which I guess means we are cousins. I need your advice... I love to stick my tongue far up my mothers nose and all over her mouth when I am giving her morning kisses. She doesn't seem to mind it at all. In fact, she loves it! I can tell. My problem is that my future father thinks it is gross and doesn't like it. How can I let him know how pure and clean I am and that I don't have any germs? Even if I have been known to lick my privates every now and again. I would like for him to understand this and ultimately get to a point where I can kiss him the same way!

Miss Molly

  Dear Kissing Cousin,

This is a difficult dilemma indeed. He's your future father, from which I surmise your mother is betrothed to him. And you don't want to blow that, with what psychologists call it when a pet dog is so close to a human that he/she repels the human's chosen snuggle bunny -- clinically known as Rin-Tin-Tintimacy. It may help you to know that I, too, am a long-time licker. In fact, I can lick a person's leg for about 25 minutes without a break, which is a long time. Maybe try working your way into his heart before you work your way too far up his nose. I like to do the bit where I wrestle with a towel or a t-shirt, then walk slightly forward so only my snout and eyes emerge, and look up, all bewildered. It KILLS 'em! And as for anyone who doesn't know how clean dog privates are -- why do you think we spend all day and night licking them? It certainly isn't the taste.

  Dear Max:

What the f*** is up with the total lack of metal sporks? Have the fork and spoon gotten together and decided that the spork is just to cool, and had it murdered?

Justin Z.

  Dear JZ,

Conspiracy theories abound, but they're usually just that -- theories. For a real conspiracy, look into the cost of a gallon of milk. Jeez. But the fork and spoon couldn't plot the elimination of the spork, metal or otherwise, to save their lives (the fork is still ticked at the spoon for running away with the dish, or so "Us Weekly" would have us believe). In fact, while trying to get at the results of some poor human decision-making recently (translation: discarded KFC fragments), I found a perfectly serviceable spork -- wedged in the pages of a grease-soaked "Us Weekly." And a quick Web search turned up this source for a very handsome-looking metal spork (though I prefer to just use my face): Click here for a titanium spork from T.A.D. Gear So that's what the f*** is up with the sp***.

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