February 2, 2006 Edition

  Dear Max:

If our ears burn when people are talking about us, then what happens when people are thinking about us?

Rodin

  Dear Rodin,

Well, this question assumes it's true that our ears burn when people are talking *about* us, which I don't believe. My ears burn mainly when I'm sleeping too close to a heating vent. Sometimes my ears burn when someone is talking *to* me -- or rather, yelling *at* me, just because I wanted to know what was in a plastic garbage bag. PLEASE! I'm just investigating, to make sure the humans didn't carelessly toss something edible. There are starving people in Africa, for gosh sake! Sometimes, that adventure gives me *heart*burn, so I'm not sure if that's related. But to your question, I have observed that when people are thinking about us, and then look at us, and smile, and scratch us, we get all warm and oogy inside. Try it out: think about someone now, and go scratch them, and then ask them what they feel.

...cont. from previous column

"Trapped In The Closet"
by Max Crane

I'm hungry
But what else is new
Eat and play is all I do
I'm chillin and maxin
Round my crib
If it's dinnertime
Then I've got dibs…

But now you be tellin' me
We're out of food
I heard that before
And it's never good

Is there food in the closet?
(Must be food in the closet)
Check for food in the closet
(Maybe back of the closet)
Have you thought of the closet?
(Usually some in the closet)

And then it hits me --
What I seen before
Disappear 'round that closet door
It was on the tube
When I was small
Close my eyes, still see it all…
A covered wagon, racing past
A little dog who said, “My a**!”
The dog gave chase
But came up dry
The covered wagon rumbled by

Then it went in the closet
(It was CHUCK in the closet)
Purina CHUCK in the closet!
(CHUCKWAGON Dry in the closet)
Just add water for gravy!
(That could make it so tasty!)
Why not check in the closet?
(The wagon went in the closet…)
Maybe still in the closet
(That ad don’t lie ‘bout the closet…)
Ohh-ohhhh-ohhh ohh-ohhhh...
Woooo-oooh-oooh oooh-oooh
Howwwllll howwwoooooool...

  Dear Max:

Six years into this new century with all of our technological advances over the years, how is it that white folk can still get away with performing rap music?

Cil Y-D

  Dear Cil Y-D,

White artists have been stealing black music since Mozart ripped off Don Giovanni from James "Daddy" Crawford's "Playuh" in 1785. And since audiences have an inexplicable but undeniable predilection for "their own," black music performed by whites often means big bucks for everyone involved (except the black songwriter) -- and the human spirit is nothing if not relentless in its pursuit of the benjamins. Lots of theories have been offered; maybe white audiences see a white singer doing what's essentially "black" material and think, "Wow -- we can be soulful, too!" It's sad, but as Elvis Presley said, "That's All Right Momma." Or, wait -- that was Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup. Oh well. At least we live in an age where black musicians and music can make it on their own. And look at it this way: what white musician is EVER going to try to steal R Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet"?

<< Continued in previous column...

(Upon further consideration, I decided to take a stab at it myself. Look left for Max's version of Trapped In the Closet)

Past Questions...
January 26, 2006
January 20, 2006
January 12, 2006
January 5, 2006
December 28, 2005
December 15, 2005
December 8, 2005
December 1, 2005
November 24, 2005
November 17, 2005
November 11, 2005
November 4, 2005
October 30, 2005
October 21, 2005
October 12, 2005
October 5, 2005
September 15, 2005
September 5, 2005
August 28, 2005
August 18, 2005
July 10, 2005
July 3, 2005
June 23, 2005
June 16, 2005
June 9, 2005
June 2, 2005
May 27, 2005